EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
