Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
