just survived the first fart of the relationship.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dicks are not precious.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
