The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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