I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
