don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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