I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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