I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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