i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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