my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
