My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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