i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
