dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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