She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
