My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
