You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
