Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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