if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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