My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
how does that bad decision feel?
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