found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
