I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
