and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
