At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
