I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
