Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
