This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
