On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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