dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
