I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
