my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
