Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
