My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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