i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
