I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
