wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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