I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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