I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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