I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
