did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
