My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
