dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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