my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
