google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
