Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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