My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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