Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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