i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
