she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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