Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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