Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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