I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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