Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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