I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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