if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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