im drinking this country out of the recession.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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