I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
